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Ask the Garden Hoe, 13013, or Scotty Li advice.

All appropriate questions will be posted here with excellent replies. The form is below the current posts. Let's see what you've got!*


Current Questions and Answers:

Question:

Dear 13013,

I need your help! Lately it seems as if my boyfriend is uninterested in me. I have turned up the heat to no avail with what would call the more traditional and successful techniques including role play, sexy lingerie, and even invested in a great book on regards to "spicing things up"! He still seems to ignore me! We have been in a relationship for almost 5 years and I love him very much. He just seems to prefer to watch the television.

Is he cheating on me or is this just how guys are after a period of time together?

Please help!!

Lost n lonely

Reply:

Ah yes, I've seen this in real science a hundred times and I am thrilled that you are wanting to apply the magical infallibilities of math and science into your love life! With that said, you are asking the perfect man for help! According to my calculations, you need to turn up the specific heat of the relationship. You see, heat, or "H" as it is called in my close knit circle of renound scientists, is the amount of heat energy it takes to move a body or bodies to a specific temperature, presented by the following equation. Please examine this carefully.

As shown above, "Q" is the sexual energy (spice!) of the relationship. "M" is the length of time invested in the relationship in months, and "C" is very important. It is the sexual coefficient that is the key to every man. The solution to the equation and its expression in your love life, is found by turning up your own internal temperature until you are clear about what acts you would like to perform.

As well as we all know, science can be very complex and confusing for uneducated individual. But if you are persistent you will be getting your needs met in no time at all. If the heat needed for coefficient for "C" is not met, in my extensive sexual escapades, I have discovered that women seem to find a bag over my head to be very sexy. Give it a spin! It can't hurt! Mystery is always a powerful tool to gauge his level of "heat". If you still experience troubles with intimacy, trust your deep intuition with this man. The equation is true math and therefore unquestionable and foolproof. "T" as represented above, is the amount of temperature of your own spice. This cannot be neglected, if you want the math to work out as expected. You see, it's perfectly clear, science can assist us in every aspect of life.

To increase sexual arousal in your man and elevate your mutual "T", you may want to cover all of your bases. I suggest taking some time out together sitting around a soothing fire and enjoying each other's company. This literally will increase the actual temperature, or "T" coefficient as well as likely his arousal response. If your geographic location restricts your access to the romantic ambiance of nature, you can always hold hands and relax with the television aflame within the privacy of your own home. This serves a dual purpose for you, in case of any miscalculations that may have been made while working through the measurements with this method. Firstly, the television will no longer be your adversary and the lovely glowing embers of his 52 inch will create the perfect mood for romance! Holding hands around the flaming tv will be akin to two magical ions bonding in space and time and you will also have the perk of dealing with less football. Win win! If you find that you may be slightly deficient in regards to your own "T", take action immediately and elevate your own heat by setting random things on fire. Be persistent (but NEVER predictable! Snoresville!) with the sytematic arson and never be afraid to experiment with both of your heat values until you find the correct sexual coefficient. Every man has a unique sexual coefficient, so even if he's losing interest, you can usually gain the relationship spice back by experimenting (what acts to do). And as with any experiment, never give up until you find something that is successful.

If on the off chance love has not been completely rekindled, I have another tried and true formula that will work every time. Let me take a moment to break this down simply so it is more understandable for you.

(Hookers, strippers, and vodka often put me in the mood....Well besides that one time I ended up in a tree dressed in a clown suit and well, my pants....Nevermind..... this is currently in litigation, but trust me, he will totally dig it and science always prevails!).

I have also found that Ro(Roofies) are an excellent catalyst for the success of the process of physical bonding. It makes the whole thing go much more smoothly and is handy if you're running low on bags for your head. If you don't believe that my methods are tried and true, just check out the periodic table of elements. It's all there. Trust me, I'm a scientist!

So congratulations! You're on the right track!! Finding that coefficient (what to do) takes intuition and experimentation, but men are very sexual and all have a drive to procreate. Once you have the correct numbers, you have the key to his sex life. Bear in mind though, sexual safety is always paramount. To make sure you are maintaining a high standard of safe sex, procuring a lawyer as well as investing in homeowners insurance is highly recommended.

So in short, YES he is totally cheating on you. Are you free Sarurday?

Love,

13013




Dear Garden Hoe,
Will you marry me?
Love, Carl

Dear Carl,
To my newly betrothed....Yes absolutely YES! Please review my terms and conditions, sign and date and return to me as soon as you can. Uterus space is going fast!!

CONTRACT FOR RELATIONSHIP, NUPTIALS, AND THE CREATION AND REARING OF CHILDREN:

TABLE OF CONTENTS
I. FIRST MEETING
1. MANDATORY BEHAVIOR
2. ACCEPTABLE TOPICS OF CONVERSATION
3. REQUIRED PROPOSAL VERBIAGE
II. NUPTIALS
1. LOCATION AND DATE
2. GUEST LIST
3. ATTIRE
4. VOWS
5. RECEPTION
6. HONEYMOON
III. INTIMACY
1. FOREPLAY
2. LIST OF AVAILABLE POSITIONS
3. POST-COITAL TOPICS OF CONVERSATION
IV. CONCEPTION
1. MANDATORY ATTIRE
2. MANDATORY VERBIAGE
3. MINIMUM PERFORMANCE STANDARDS
V. PREGNANCY
1. LOCATIONS
2. REQUIRED ATTENTIONS
3. SPECIAL DIETARY REQUESTS
4. FORBIDDEN WORDS TO USE WHILE IMPREGNATED.
5. FORBIDDEN TONES OF VOICE TO USE WHILE IMPREGNATED.
6. LIST OF COMPLIMENTS
VI. LIST OF ACCEPTABLE CHILD NAMES
VII. LIST OF UNACCEPTABLE CHILD NAMES
VIII. DIVISION OF RESPONSIBILITIES DURING CHILD INFANCIES
1. BREASTFEEDING
2. DIAPER CHANGING
3. SOOTHING CRYING INFANTS
4. ROCKING BABIES BACK TO SLEEP
5. DEALING WITH COLIC AND TEETHING
6. PLAYING WITH A HAPPY BABY
IX. ACCEPTABLE PARENTING TACTICS
1. DISCIPLINE
2. ALLOWED SPORTS
3. LANGUAGE
4. ACCEPTABLE ENTERTAINMENT
5. DIET
X. SCHOOLING
1. SCHOOLS
2. HOMEWORK
3. ALLOWED SUBJECTS
XI. TEENAGEDOM
1. DISCIPLINE
2. CONSEQUENCES FOR UNRULY TEENAGERS
XII. IN-LAWS
1. THE GILDED UTERUS
2. THE IMPREGNATOR
XIII. FINANCES
1. DIVISION OF HOUSEHOLD BILLS
2. MONTHLY STIPEND FOR HOUSEWIVING
XIV. CAREERS
1. THE GILDED UTERUS
2. THE IMPREGNATOR
XV. HOUSEHOLD MAINTENANCE
1. DIVISION OF HOUSEHOLD CHORES AND REPAIRS
XVI. FIDELITY
1. THE GILDED UTERUS
2. THE IMPREGNATOR


I. FIRST MEETING
1. MANDATORY BEHAVIOR
Upon meeting for the first time, the potential father, heretofore referred to as “THE IMPREGNATOR,” must perform an authentic tribal mating dance ritual, complete with body paint and fire-eating for the potential baby receptacle, heretofore referred to as “THE GILDED UTERUS.” Should the mating dance be found worthy, it is then allowed to attempt to strike up a conversation with THE GILDED UTERUS.

2. ACCEPTABLE TOPICS OF CONVERSATION
Subsequent to the approval of the tribal dance and fire-eating, a discussion of hobbies will begin in an attempt to find some common interests. Deviations are allowed from the common-interests topic only to vocalize how the presence of THE GUILDED UTERUS renders a person awestruck. Compliments would not, at this point, be turned away, however it is preferable if they are expressed only in multi-syllabic words.

3. REQUIRED PROPOSAL VERBIAGE
After finding common ground, a proposal bended knee, during a private fireworks show, using only quotations from Tom Robbins books, will seal the betrothal.

II. NUPTIALS
1. LOCATION AND DATE
The wedding will have to be immediate, so this part will need to be worked on immediately. Marriage will only occur in the authentic stage for the cancelled 2001 television show Firefly, and THE GUILDED UTERUS will only consent to be wed by Ron Glass, heretofore referred to as Shepherd Book. The date must occur exactly halfway between the intendeds birthdays, during a total solar eclipse. Better start looking into astronomy charts.

2. GUEST LIST
The entire cast of Firefly, including minor characters from the series and the follow-up film Serenity. All of THE GUILDED UTERUS’ extensively large family, friends, acquaintances, Facebook friends, and Twitter followers. And whoever THE IMPREGNATOR decides to bring along would be alright.

3. ATTIRE
Being that THE GILDED UTERUS chooses to live an entirely nudist lifestyle, the required dress code for the event will be full nudity. (The sole exception being, of course, if the person looks really, really gross naked. In which case they may be required to wear genuine World Of Warcraft garb.) THE IMPREGNATOR must show up wearing a tear-away tuxedo, and during the playing of “the wedding march” he must gradually and sexily strip it off to match the outfit of his betrothed.
4. VOWS
Vows are to be heartfelt, uniquely written, and delivered as a rap song. No exceptions.

5. RECEPTION
The newlyweds will be presented to respective families and loved ones as Mr. and Mrs. Creepy Internet Man, during a lavish and opulently catered affair in the cargo hold of Serenity.

6. HONEYMOON
Upon the conclusion of the wedding reception, there will be a nude horseback ride off into the sunset on matching geldings. Honeymoon tickets will be booked to Kauai where the consummation of the marriage will occur on the beach of Hanalei Bay, amid gawking tourists and overly curious children.

III. INTIMACY
1. FOREPLAY
Waste of time.

2. LIST OF AVAILABLE POSITIONS
All of them. THE GUILDED UTERUS is mind-bogglingly flexible, and has no societal imprints of taboos.

3. POST-COITAL TOPICS OF CONVERSATION Robert Anton Wilson books, obscure New Zealand rock parody singers, favorite reggae songs, the proper way to saddle a horse, conspiracy theories, the influence of chemicals on modern growth and development, over fishing in the oceans and the best places to get sushi locally, hypocrisy, tropical islands, how fantastic THE GUILDED UTERUS’ boobs are, and the fallacies of organized religion.

IV. CONCEPTION
1. MANDATORY ATTIRE
THE GILDED UTERUS will only attempt to conceive if her sexual partner wears a blonde Marilyn Monroe wig and a blindfold for the entire duration of intercourse. THE IMPREGNATOR must also be fully shaved as it is more enjoyable.

2. MANDATORY VERBIAGE
A compliment is required every 17 thrusts, and none of the terms used during the compliments may be repeated.

3 MINIMUM PERFORMANCE STANDARDS
The conception attempt will only be considered valid if the satisfaction gained by THE GILDED UTERUS is at least three times that gained by THE IMPREGNATOR. If THE IMPREGNATOR fails to uphold his responsibilities in this regard, it immediately renders the contract null and void, and any human life resulting from the unsatisfying union will be sold off to the highest bidder in a third-world factory.

V. PREGNANCY
1. LOCATIONS
The first two trimesters need to be spent at a private resort on a tropical island, and attended to by multiple licensed neonatal masseuses twice a day. The third trimester, as well as the birth, is to be carried out in Okinawa, Japan where the resulting child can claim duel citizenship with both Japan and the States.

2. REQUIRED ATTENTIONS
Twice-daily neonatal massage is imperative to the health of both mother and child. In addition, THE GILDED UTERUS will require THE IMPREGNATOR to dote on her full-time, showering her with affection and compliments and living to serve every pregnant, hormonal whim that crosses her mind.

3. SPECIAL DIETARY REQUESTS
Two pounds deliciously steamed clams and/or mussels must be served per day. Fresh poke at every breakfast. Whatever extensive list of pregnancy cravings crop up must be kept fresh on-hand at all hours of the day. THE GILDED UTERUS reserves the right to fly into a hormonal rage if a pregnancy-craving food is not on hand at the slightest twinge of her taste buds, even if said food-craving is brand new and could not have been anticipated.

4. FORBIDDEN WORDS TO USE WHILE IMPREGNATED.
Fat, Heavy, Chubby, Cow, House, Seacow, Behemoth, Moody, Overreacting, Unreasonable, Gigantic, Whale, Planet, or any synonym of any of the words previously listed.

5. FORBIDDEN TONES OF VOICE TO USE WHILE IMPREGNATED.
Irritated, incredulous, angry, exasperated, mocking, or condescending.

6. LIST OF COMPLIMENTS
Use some imagination, THE G ILDED UTERUS prefers to be surprised in this regard.

VI. LIST OF ACCEPTABLE CHILD NAMES
Robert’); DROP TABLE Students ;-- .

VII. LIST OF UNACCEPTABLE CHILD NAMES
Toby, Tobias, Scharfen, Sarah, Justin, Thomas, Bieber, Ilene, Amy, Joseph.

VIII. DIVISION OF RESPONSIBILITIES DURING CHILD INFANCIES
1. BREASTFEEDING
Full responsibility goes to THE IMPREGNATOR.

2. DIAPER CHANGING
Full responsibility goes to THE IMPREGNATOR.

3. SOOTHING CRYING INFANTS
Full responsibility goes to THE IMPREGNATOR.

4. ROCKING BABIES BACK TO SLEEP
Full responsibility goes to THE IMPREGNATOR.

5. DEALING WITH COLIC AND TEETHING
Full responsibility goes to THE IMPREGNATOR.

6. PLAYING WITH A HAPPY BABY
Full responsibility goes to THE GILDED UTERUS.

IX. ACCEPTABLE PARENTING TACTICS
1. DISCIPLINE
From the ages of infancy to 12 years old, THE GILDED UTERUS has a firm stance on a zero-discipline policy. The child should be free and open to forge their own paths through life without the hindrance and constraint of being held back by society’s expectancies.

2. ALLOWED SPORTS
Soccer, swimming, dressage, ballet, kickboxing, baseball, basketball, baseball, curling, fencing, jousting, and football are all acceptable sports. However, they may only be played while the offspring is completely encased in bubble wrap while wearing a helmet and elbow/knee pads.

3. LANGUAGE
Proper English is to be spoken around all offspring up until 2pm daily, at which point they may only be addressed in Mandarin, Hawaiian, German, French, Spanish, or Japanese.

4. ACCEPTABLE ENTERTAINMENT
Electronic entertainment will be limited-- music selection is reggae or early 90’s rock, allowed television will be obscure documentaries on the tragic death of Flipper the dolphin, and books will be exclusively Tom Robbins or intense research into the credibility of various conspiracy theories.

5. DIET
Completely vegan, with the exception of moderate amounts of seafood.

X. SCHOOLING
1. SCHOOLS
Offspring may attend public schools in any state except for Idaho, Mississippi, Texas, Oklahoma, Utah, New Mexico, and New Jersey. If they are at any time residing in any of the above-listed states, then they will be shipped off to boarding school or home schooled, no exceptions.

2. HOMEWORK
Homework is to be vehemently ignored, as it’s an attempt from The Man to subvert and control your use of your time. It is integral that all offspring be raised with a contempt for all mind-control techniques, and be imbued with the mental acuity to effectively recognize all attempts and to induce cooperation.

3. ALLOWED SUBJECTS
All subjects will be studied equally, with the exception of American and World History, as it’s all filled with dirty lies being perpetuated by the American Government.

XI. TEENAGEDOM
1. DISCIPLINE
Teenagers will be disciplined if they show any disrespect towards either parental figure. Acceptable forms of discipline include, but are not limited to, public shaming, ostracization, tarring and feathering, screen printed graphic tees with descriptions of the offense, framing for murder, stocks, or thumbscrews.

2. CONSEQUENCES FOR UNRULY TEENAGERS
In the event that teenage offspring does not cease misbehavior immediately after the implementation of a discipline technique, they will forthwith be sold to the Black Market Slave Trade.

XII. IN-LAWS
1. THE GILDED UTERUS
Upon further contemplation, THE GILDED UTERUS has decided that this particular topic is best left undiscussed until the ink is dry on all marriage papers, at which point it will be too late for THE IMPREGNATOR to escape the contract.

2. THE IMPREGNATOR
See section XII 1.

XIII. FINANCES
1. DIVISION OF HOUSEHOLD BILLS
Full responsibility goes to THE IMPREGNATOR.

2. MONTHLY STIPEND FOR HOUSEWIVING
Lists of expenses will be presented upon the closing of each month for consideration and reimbursement.

XIV. CAREERS
1. THE GILDED UTERUS
THE GILDED UTERUS works all nights and weekends fighting crime under a superhero identity. Child-rearing and marriage come secondary only to the safety of the city.

2. THE IMPREGNATOR
THE IMPREGNATOR is free to pursue whichever career he sees fit, so long as it does not involve call centers, law firms, bail bonds offices, government officials, loan sharking, illegal activity, or major evil corporations (e.g. the Walocaust or any major bank).

XV. HOUSEHOLD MAINTENANCE
1. DIVISION OF HOUSEHOLD CHORES AND REPAIRS
Full responsibility goes to THE IMPREGNATOR.

XVI. FIDELITY
1. THE GILDED UTERUS
So long as the terms and conditions of this contract are upheld to the letter, THE GILDED UTERUS’ fidelity is completely assured.

2. THE IMPREGNATOR
THE GILDED UTERUS requires complete and total physical fidelity from THE IMPREGNATOR. THE IMPREGNATOR is allowed to visually admire other creatures of the opposite sex, provided that the women he chooses to admire are submitted with descriptions and photographs to his wife for official approval before any ogling commences.





*Yes, we are aware that we will burn in Hell. Thanks for your concern! Any concerns for our welfare will be carefully reviewed and filed appropriately.**

**Our filing process is a painstakingly streamlined procedure. All pathetic mewlings will but filed under "T"' for trash.

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