by Ska Ti Li

Confession time.

I am seriously amused and entertained by the new-age / anti-establishment / bleeding-heart / republicans suck / postmodern / feminist / pro-dog / anti-cat / love-a-stranger / hate-yourself culture. Or maybe it’s a cult. A movement? Something random and obscene?

Whatever you want to call it, among this selection of fine people is a sub-group. This sub-group have long grown tired of endless political debating, hate bumper stickers and picket signs, and throw up every time they see anyone “co-exist”. These people are not conservatives or libertarians or jellybelly mooselims. Just bored. Bored beyond belief.

And within this bored sub-group is yet another sub-group. This select few are transcending their boredom as I write this. They may be picking up a crystal for the first time and staring at it intently. Maybe they found a 100 year old surveyor’s kit and wish to go exploring. Maybe they saw a sci-fi movie that happened to contain five seconds of evolutionary insight within a mostly run-of-the-mill Hollywood nerd masturbation piece.

Whatever the spark, maybe they saw just a glimpse of a new possibility. Maybe humanity isn’t just some arbitrary mistake. Maybe there is a higher purpose, but that purpose cannot be read in a mere book or passed around in a mere hat on a rainy Sunday morning.

What if it was within the destiny, the very core essence of every single human being, to somehow survive the trial by fire, to survive one’s own aptitude to really fuck things up. To somehow redeem a life spent mostly fucking off and being diluted by mass tripe?

Just as the world is dominated by madmen and meanwomen, the world is like clay that can be molded by those willing to get their fingers dirty. Get your messy paws on a few rocks, gems, crystals and stare away the day.

Allow your mind to be transformed by a rock instead of a politician for a change. Maybe you’ll find the motivation to create your next masterpiece. Your masterpiece, in turn, will motivate the next bedroom scientist to solve that stupid equation holding the rest of humanity back from being able to conquer and enslave the rest of the universe.

And I can’t wait to get my grubby paws on one of the aliens out there! I will promise them a bright future and get them hooked on money and a better future with a moving goal post. Maybe I will draw up some ghosts and tell my alien slave bitch that they better repent or else I’m going to release the ghosts upon their sorry extraterrestrial ass!

Or maybe I will draw up a Khan-sti-two-shun for my new citizenry. Tell them all about their inALIENable rights, how all aliens are equal (i.e. - you’ve seen one alien, you’ve see ‘em all), how they are all my children (children are to be seen and not to be heard). Maybe I’ll build them a little alien school and educate them. This just might sooth over my fetish for molding clay.

Then maybe I will stage a revolution among the alien slaves, tell half of them that they’ve been exploited by the other half, you know, the capitalist aliens, the white aliens, the male aliens, and that we need to tear up all of the posters of ghosts. Time for a new alien god, a new alien regime, a progressive alien, a reformed alien.

Then me and some aliens will hop aboard one of the new spaceships that I forced them to build and then we’ll go on a little cruise through the galaxy. Find us some new alien bitches!

But pimps like me always get caught. The intergalactic police force will eventually force me to pull over at the nearest meteor, where I will be searched, groped, doped, and roped. I will be hung from the nearest magnetic pole. My dead corpse will point due north, and I will finally come to a constant still, as constant as the Northern Star.

Don’t let my eventual tragic demise discourage you from exploring the universe and reaching for the stars. Maybe you assumed that only good humans with noble intentions and a flawless character can make it off this oppressive planet. But now that you know that some of us humans want to conquer the universe and fulfill our Lex Luthor fantasies, that shouldn't stop you from wanting to stop me and make sure that good triumphs over evil in outer space like it does in the movies.

So get busy! Study the rocks, map the stars, and build that alien spaceship before I get the chance to conquer the universe and make all of you my bitch. Now get to it!!